Who’s afraid of the big, bad, Brady? Cyrus Jones is

Alabama cornerback Cyrus JonesFormer Alabama cornerback Cyrus Jones, selected by the New England Patriots as the 60th overall pick in the 2016 NFL draft, could eventually be a real asset to the team and its NFL betting odds – if he overcomes his fear of Tom Brady first. In an interview, Jones said he was scared of Brady growing up as Ravens fan. And who could blame him, really? The multiple league and Super Bowl MVP does make for quite a Boogeyman. I would be terrified too, if I believed Tom Brady was hiding in the closet or lurking under my, waiting for me to fall asleep so he could deflate my balls.

Thankfully for Cyrus ‘The Virus,’ Brady will miss the first four games of the regular season, so he won’t have to sneak around Gillete Stadium constantly looking over his shoulder. “Whoa, was that Tom Brady?” Easy, Cyrus, that’s just Bill Hader. You know, from Saturday Night Live? There’s plenty to be afraid of about Brady, though. Did you know he can levitate? As in being suspended in the air – especially if you take out the words “in the air.” Suspension. If there was any justice, Tom Brady would be sent to the Ironic Punishment Division where he would have to manually – or should that be orally? – inflate all the footballs in the world.
Ok, I admit he lent a helping hand to people who placed NFL bets on the Patriots back in 2014. On the other hand, isn’t that tantamount to besmirching the ever-unblemished face of sportsbook betting? When I think of all the honest, hard-working folks who bust their humps making odds to support their families, it just about breaks my heart. That’s why I could never forgive Tom Brady for compromising the integrity and innocence of gambling online – it’s like defiling the Mona Lisa, or taking a wee wee in the pool. Oh, alright, I forgive him.
Now it’s up to Cyrus Jones to forgive Tom Brady. Or sabotage the team from the inside as revenge. Good luck with that, though, as the Patriots NFL betting odds to win Super Bowl LI seem ironclad. And that’s with or without Brady, because the Brady is unkillable. You can vanquish it if you’re pure at heart, and sometimes he retires to R’lyeh to slumber and feed. But he always comes back, albeit in different forms. For instance, during the Rectification of the Vuldronaii, the Brady came as a large and moving Torb. Then, during the Third Reconciliation of the Last of the Meketrex Supplicants, he chose the form of a giant Sloar. Many Shubs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of a Sloar that day, I can tell you.